Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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