everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
