i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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