My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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