Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
