pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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