Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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