He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
True college students do jello shots in the library
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
