I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
