Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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