Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
