I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
