I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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