My friends, they love my intelligence
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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