and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
