Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
