The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
