my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
