i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
