Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
