i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
