im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
