Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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