I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
