I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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