Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
