Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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