Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
