Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
