"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
