I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
