and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
