I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
