There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
