highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
