Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
