Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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