after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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