So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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