Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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