i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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