I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
