her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
