i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
