Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
