When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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