i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
