I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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