You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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