Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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