I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
